I had a really bad day at work today. I had a terrible, no good, very bad day! I even kind of yelled at someone right at the end of the day. I left work almost in tears I was so mad. I needed a drink. I realized I take care of a lot of people, whole groups and departments of people...and who takes care of me? Who has my back? Who takes care of ME? I have some very good people at work who do have my back and always take the time to listen when I have to vent or have a problem I need help solving. This was more about people higher up the food chain than I am.
All I wanted to do was go to the store, buy some easy, not-so-good-for-me food and wine then go home. Of course I looked at the gym bag that was still in my car from the two previous days I didn't go to the gym and sighed. "go to the gym Erin". no. I just want to go drink and eat my feelings.
So I went to the gym. As I parked my car, I heard myself say "you gotta take care of yourself". It almost stopped me in my tracks.
While the thought 'no one at work takes care of me' was new for me in relation to work, the concept itself was certainly not new. I have been lamenting the fact that after only one year of divorce, I still don't have a man to take care of me. I know, I know, I can hear them too - the millions of women crying out "YOU DON'T NEED A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!" I understand, but that doesn't mean I don't WANT someone to take care of me and to be able to reciprocate for that same someone. My point is the thought always came across in my head relating to a relationship, but looking at it from a work standpoint was a new concept and it brought clarity. So I walked into the gym telling myself "You are the only person that can take care of You". So get on it!
I had skipped the last two weeks and was beating myself up a bit. I shifted my thoughts again. I can actually see my hamstrings a little. My quads feel strong! I love that I can start to see definition in my biceps and triceps. Yay me! I'm not where I need to be, and IMMEDIATELY corrected myself. "I don't NEED to be anywhere. I'm not where I should be. I HATE the word 'should' - its a horrible word. I am exactly where I am, taking care of myself by lifting weights, working on losing fat by creating a calorie deficit and taking my job in my own hands.
As I type this blog, eating my oriental chicken salad with kale AND my glass of red wine (good for the heart right) I feel renewed. I am human and will slide back into that old way of thinking/feeling sooner than I'd prefer, but this time I'm going to try and keep something else in the front of my brain - I'm perfect the way I am! (So are you)